“(of Ronald McDonald) I know he’s a fictional character but if such a man existed, it would be the duty of social services to warn the local parents that he had come to live in the area.” —- Jeremy Hardy
“I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.” — Mark Twain
“It’s fascinating to think that all around us there’s an invisible world we can’t even see. I’m speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.” — Jack Handy
“I have a bunch more where those came from. I’ll have to put them on here sometime.” — this one is me 😉
I decided to try the whole Twitter thing. Here’s my page. Scott’s Twitter. I can’t promise much updates yet (until I get my iPhone). It’s been fun to follow Lance Armstrong on his biking come back. But, the best one that I’ve found is Christopher Walken’s page. He is hillarious! Some examples:
I spent $40.00 on a bag of food for a dog that eats extension cords. That’s still probably cheaper than a bag of extension cords I suppose.
I buy a bottle of Green Tea with ginseng nearly every day but I don’t remember why. I don’t like tea and can barely taste the ginseng.
I posed for dozens of photos in California last week. I closed my eyes or made a face in nearly every one. Sorry. I amuse myself this way.
A curious man asked if I was waiting for something as I stood on the curb. I said, “No. I’m ice fishing.” Oddly enough he accepted that.
This past weekend, when I had my car’s oil changed, I also was told that I needed a new battery. Rather than buy a battery somewhere else, I just decided to have them do it for me to save time. However, I could have just gone to Battery Life Predictor. This tool asks how your battery is functioning and then if you choose “weak” or “not functioning” it suggests having it tested by a battery expert…sort of what I’d do even without this website’s advice. On the positive note it does allow you to put in what type and how old a battery you have and it tells you that particular battery’s expected lifespan.
Here is Microsoft’s attempt to compete with Apple in advertising. It is kind of funny in the sense of a what-the-heck-is-going-on thing. It is hard to tell if anything is actually advertised. The trick is to wait until the end and look for the symbol that Microsoft uses for Windows Vista.
… Brooke, who lives in Denver, is 24 and works in a local arts program. Dave, 23, lives in Connecticut, and isn’t doing a lot now. “I was recently working in an organic lettuce farm in Hawaii, and after that I was a camp counselor, and I’m currently unemployed,” he tells me. Nouri, 22, lives in New York and works for a documentary filmmaker — he’s here tonight as part of a project “making movies about protests and questioning the validity of both the convention and protesting and trying to find a place in that dynamic.” The three of them met when they were students at Wesleyan.
They all admire Obama and very much want him to become president. If that happens, I ask, what would they like to see him do?
“Tangibly?” asks Brooke.
“Well, yes — tangibly.”
“I just think that he has the capacity to really rally people together in a way that I haven’t seen before,” she says. “The other day, I went to the Denver Coliseum to see Rage Against the Machine and the Flobots. And I was astounded by their ability to musically rally a large amount of people towards peaceful protest. There was an amazing march that ensued after the concert; it was unbelievably peaceful and rule-y, as opposed to unruly, but focused and determined, and I feel that on a more general level I would love to see Barack rally a large amount of people, a very large amount of people, all together.”
“Rally them to do anything in particular?” I ask.
Brooke pauses for quite a while. “Well, build morale. Build a sense of empowerment.”
I ask about John McCain.
“Boo!” says Nouri. “He’s a warmongering, oblivious, ill-informed, bought-out politician.”
“Actually, I’d say he’d be a belly itcher and not a pitcher,” Brooke says. “And we would like a pitcher and not a belly itcher.”
The three break into giggles. “We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!” then begin to chant. “We want a batter, not a broken ladder!”
AN JOSE, Calif. – A grotesque comparison of a steamy love affair to a New York City street has won a Washington man this year’s grand prize in an annual contest of bad writing.
Garrison Spik, a 41-year-old communications director and writer, took top honors in San Jose State University’s 26th annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest with this opening sentence to a nonexistent novel:
“Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped ‘Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J.'”
The contest is named after Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel “Paul Clifford” famously begins “It was a dark and stormy night.”
Entrants are asked to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Awards are given for many categories, including awards for “purple prose” and “vile puns.” The top winner receives a $250 prize.
Other noteworthy submissions:
“‘Toads of glory, slugs of joy,’ sang Groin the dwarf as he trotted jovially down the path before a great dragon ate him because the author knew that this story was a train wreck after he typed the first few words.”
• Alex Hall, Greeley, Colo.
“Like a mechanic who forgets to wipe his hands on a shop rag and then goes home, hugs his wife, and gets a grease stain on her favorite sweater — love touches you, and marks you forever.”
As thousands waited at the Sieges Saule monument in Berlin to hear Obama’s sensational speech, a BILD reporter met Barack all alone – in the gym! Here’s the incredible account of Judith Bonesky’s meeting…
It’s 16:02pm and I’ve been training in the gym of the Ritz Carlton hotel in Berlin. A man in a suit approaches me and says: “Barack Obama is about to come and train …“ Shortly after half past four and he actually arrives! Barack Obama is wearing a grey t-shirt, black tracksuit bottoms – and a great smile!
“Hi, how’s it going?“ asks Obama in his deep voice. My heart beats. “Very good, and you?” I say. Obama replies: “Very good, thank you!”
Obama (with toned arms and a strong back) puts on his headphones for his iPod to listen to pop music. He hums quietly. Then he jumps on a fitness bike. He pushes three times on the pedals – but then can’t be bothered with it.
He goes and picks up a pair of 16 kilo weights and starts curling them with his left and right arms, 30 repetitions on each side. Then, amazingly, he picks up the 32 kilo weights! Very slowly he lifts them, first 10 curls with his right, then 10 with his left. He breathes deeply in and out and takes a sip of water from his 0,5 litre Evian bottle.
Shortly before five o’clock Obama comes over and sits directly next to my cross-trainer on the mat. First he does 10 sit-ups, then stretches. Then he looks at his watch and says to his bodyguard: “It’s time, let’s go.” Quickly I ask: “Mr. Obama, could I take a photo?”. “Of course!” he answers, before asking my name and coming over to stand next to me.
“My name’s Judith” I reply. “I’m Barack Obama, nice to meet you!” he says, and puts his arm across my shoulder. I put my arm around his hip – wow, he didn’t even sweat! WHAT A MAN!
My goodness! The infatuation with Obama is insane. Honestly, this reads like a satirical article in The Onion. The phrases, “Obama (with toned arms and a strong back)” and “He breathes deeply in and out and takes a sip of water from his 0,5 litre Evian bottle” sound extremely contrived. What’s more, I think the Bild reporter was German. I’m glad the Germans approve.
LONDON (Reuters) – Embaressed by yor spelling? Never you mind.
Fed up with his students’ complete inability to spell common English correctly, a British academic has suggested it may be time to accept “variant spellings” as legitimate.
Rather than grammarians getting in a huff about “argument” being spelled “arguement” or “opportunity” as “opertunity,” why not accept anything that’s phonetically (fonetickly anyone?) correct as long as it can be understood?
“Instead of complaining about the state of the education system as we correct the same mistakes year after year, I’ve got a better idea,” Ken Smith, a criminology lecturer at Bucks New University, wrote in the Times Higher Education Supplement.
Spelling rules exist for a reason. Now I’ve probably made my fair share of spelling/grammar mistakes on this blog (though the built-in OS X spellchecker alerts me to the majority of the spelling errors). However, mistakes that I do make are just that, mistakes. They are most often a result of a mistyped key. If I don’t know how to spell a word I usually just Google it to get the correct spelling. Granted, phonetically misspelled words are somewhat “readable” but should never be allowed in any formal usage. If I’m reading a blog or any form of written communication and see incorrect spellings to the extent that the above article suggests allowing, I’d laugh and completely disregard the source. If anything, the educational system must crack down on improper spelling. Just because something is “hard,” doesn’t mean that it should be changed to accommodate those that can’t handle it.
I was taking a little break from studying for the boards (USMLE Step 1) this evening by catching up on the latest Apple news in Google Reader. AppleInsider had a link to a story about the tight security that Apple employs at developer’s conferences, including, as this story explains, needing to have an escort to use the restroom. Really the only thing that reporters at the WWDC were allowed to report on was things talked about or shown in the keynote presentation. The remainder of the conference is strictly for developers that have signed NDA’s. I think it more had to do with the location of the restroom being near some rooms where confidential information was being discussed. Anyway, on to the funny survey part that started this post.
When I opened the link to the Computerworld article above, I was given the option to do a quick survey on Windows Vista migration. I’ve never used Vista before, but maybe they want to know for what reason, or something. It was a chance to win $250 dollars and, supposedly, only 100 people(?!) were going to be offered this survey (plus whoever receives the option to do the survey but then chooses to enter via fax without participating). The first question asked me how many people were in my organization or enterprise. Hmmm. The only valid options for me were “I don’t know” and “less than 1000.” The other options were even larger. Do I really qualify for winning the $250? I clicked on the Computerworld Prize Drawing Official Rules and, sure enough, the drawing is open to any adult legal resident in the U.S. or Canada. So I chose “less than 1000” and clicked next. And that was the end of the survey; I gave my name and email address (I used a “spam safe” email address) and clicked submit. Now I’m just waiting until June 16th when the winner is drawn; not that I’ll win because I never win these types of drawings.
The funny part (and this may because of some strange Canadian rule), is regarding the selection of the winner. From the official rules, “If the selected winner is a Canadian resident, he or she must correctly answer a time-limited mathematical skill-testing question in order to claim prize.” Wow! They sure make it difficult to win simple random drawings in Canada, eh?!. Ross, you’ll have to example it to me sometime.