2003 College Football midseason awards

I found this article in the Daily Cardinal (a local UW Madison student newspaper). It’s written by Michael Jones. I typed it out here because it is so funny.

Midseason Awards

Because I’m both hungover and lazy, here are my College Football midseason awards. Enjoy:

“Yeah, the kids won’t miss ‘Jump Around'” Award for Biggest Moron: Any fan, sportswriter or pundit who keeps placing Texas in their top 10. Can we just quit it folks and realize that they’re not that great? I’m serious, every February some Mel Kiper-Lite predicts that Texas is fielding the strongest team in terms of recruitment. And every year, they get punked in mid-October. Why mid-October? Because that’s when they stop playing prep schools that Johnny Moxon could whup and play Oklahoma.

“Why play the fourth quarter?” Award: To the Minnesota “We deserve to be ranked because we beat Troy State” Gophers, who had all the makings of a sweet victory over Michigan last week. Unfortunately, their defense went all Green Bay Packers on them and they allowed that insipid fight song to permeate through the Dome. Shame on them!

“Obviously, we are not engineering majors” Award: To any Badger fan who tried to tear down the goalposts last Saturday. Come on everyone, if we all shift to one side of the posts, that sucker would have gone down quicker than a drunk sorority girl at a football-player party. People, Missouri fans could do it and we’re twice as smart with half the genetic problems as them.

“Our quota for felons on the team was slipping” Award: To Nebraska CB Kellen Huston who cold-cocked a Missouri fan after the fan decided to become a one-man field-rushing crew. The fan has reportedly gone on to distinguish himself by demanding that full charges be pressed against Huston, even though he was pointing and running toward Huston like he was going to fight him. Classy all the way around.

“We like running cliché terms into the ground by mid-season” Award: To Northern Illinois and the rest of the woe-is-me Cinderella” MAC Conference for beating overrated teams from larger conferences (Kansas State, Alabama, etc.) and then have the gall to demand a stake in the BCS. So what if it is just because they’re able to slip in students who don’t have the grades to even get into academic powerhouses like Miami. I hope they’ll enjoy this year’s Motor City Bowl … where they all belong.

“I never really did take that vow of chastity” Award: To the President of Boston College Father William Leahy, who is screwing the Big East and defecting to the ACC. Apparently, BC is still able to use Doug Flutie as a viable excuse for promoting themselves as a “good” football team. And while they redefined mediocrity in the weaker Big East, they’ll be gladly welcomed as the new Northwestern-type pushover by the likes of fellow traitors Miami and Virginia Tech.

“Honey, we just did it five minutes ago, I’m not ready yet” Award: Potentially, to the Badgers if they don’t get over finishing of Ohio State and are not prepared for a just-as-dangerous Purdue team.

Here’s to an interesting second half.

(If this material is copyrighted or whatever and you don’t want it on here, leave a comment and I’ll remove it. Thanks!)

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